GoFundMe a Braves Championship

The prevailing theme of the 2018-19 offseason, as far as Braves fans are concerned, has been the level of spending that the organization has committed in order to improve upon their surprising 2018 campaign. Many Braves fans are clear in what they want — for an organization that hasn’t won a playoff series since 2001, a deep playoff run in 2019 is clearly the goal, and fans want to see their team stop at nothing to get there. With an offseason in which many potential upgrades to the Braves roster are purported to be available, and a front office that has gone on the record to state that they could “shop in any aisle,” there was a lot of hope (and hype) that the Braves would be swinging for the fences this offseason. Even with a team that has reason to be better than in 2018, the move(s) made this offseason fell well short of many fans’ expectations. Payroll numbers haven’t climbed to the levels that the front office has led us to believe they would, and all signs point to the Braves returning to their usual penny-pinching ways.

Even though The Battery appears to be bringing in incredible revenues to the team, it’s important to keep in mind that these are based on reports that may or may not be true. Corporations are frequently untruthful about profits for one reason or another. Given that actions always speak louder than words, this hesitancy shown by the team this offseason can only mean one thing:

The Atlanta Braves are in serious financial peril.

And who can blame them? They have only one multipurpose residential, shopping, and dining facility surrounding the ballpark that is bringing hundreds of millions of dollars per year. Sure, they get a little bit of pocket change from ticket sales and merchandise, but with most of your financial eggs in one basket, it’s not crazy to think that they’re in trouble. Teams are showing that having multiple revenue streams is the way to ensure prosperity, so it’s clear that this team needs some help. Mama always told me to never criticize someone without making a suggestion for how they could do better, so being the solutions-focused guy that I am, here are three ways the Braves can raise enough money to put an elite team on the field for the 2019 season.

Ozzie Albies Helmet Auction

This one is a no-brainer. The Braves are already pretty active in making game-used merchandise available to the fans, and many diehards love to throw down serious cash for items that have been worn during game action. Now, we know that Ozzie’s helmet falls off of his head virtually every time he leaves the batter’s box, why not snatch those up and put them up for sale? We’d have everyone in Cobb County with a game-used Ozzie helmet by the All-Star Break. And at $150 a pop, there’s potential to bring in some major coin. What about diminishing returns, you say? What happens when Ozzie supplies the entire state of Georgia with helmets and the market is oversaturated? Easy, just change up the helmet design. Who doesn’t want an Ozzie Albies game-used 1970s Braves helmet, or the brown and yellow Padres lid? Unbuckle the chin strap on a powder blue San Diego Chargers helmet when he comes to the plate and send that into the market. We’d have Bryce Harper’s entire contract paid for before the NLDS.

Photo by Kevork Djansezian/Getty Images

The Atlanta Braves Prospect Car Wash

The Braves have the best farm in baseball. Yeah, I said it. Padres fans aren’t reading this, anyway. Our pitching prospects are truly an embarrassment of riches, and given that we haven’t traded some of them for an outfielder, we have to have something in mind for these guys to do. Starters only pitch every fifth day, so some of these dudes are going to have some spare time, and with the various parking areas surrounding Suntrust Park, this seems like easy money. Who wouldn’t pay top dollar for Max Fried to paint the corners on Wednesday, and then shine up your SUV on Thursday? My God, have you seen Mike Soroka’s thighs? They’re surely Canadian monuments by now, and I can’t think of a better way to discreetly put them on display than having him stretch to reach the hood of your mom’s Land Cruiser. I’m thinking a minimum $30 per wash, $45 if you want to stay in the car for the duration. Ladies, you’re welcome. I’m thinking this is another top free agent that’s fully paid for by 2020. Hello, Manny Machado.

Photo by Mike Stobe/Getty Images

Gambling on The Freeze

Here’s where we go for the jugular and build an unstoppable team. Everyone knows The Freeze. This man is a sensation and seeing him race will always be entertaining. But, even the best ballpark attractions can go a bit stale after a year or two, and we need something to spice it up a bit. So, why not make things more interesting and have people bet on the races? The Freeze would be even more of a can’t-miss attraction and it would raise some much needed cash in the process. Sure, there’s probably a few regulatory issues to sort out, but The Atlanta Braves Baseball Club isn’t going to let a few little rules get in their way of being the best. But who could be in charge of this project? I submit to you that there is one man who is absolutely perfect for the job.

One man who isn’t afraid to get a little muddy to do the best job he can.

One man who will do absolutely whatever it takes to be number one, no matter the cost.

Yes, I’m talking about…The Dirtiest Player In the Game™…JOHN (WHOO! BY GOD! WHOO!) COPPOLELLA.

Mark J. Rebilas-USA TODAY Sports

But, hE’s bAnNeD fRoM bAsEbaLL, you say. Dude, Bobby Valentine once reentered to manage a game he was ejected from, just by wearing a fake mustache. Even if there’s a chance that someone would be able to tell Coppy apart from the hundreds of skinny bald white men currently working for Liberty Media, a little disguise would make him impossible to detect. I’d leave all of the details of the underground gambling ring to the man himself, simply because there’s no one who could do it better than him. And, you know, plausible deniability (*wink*). A year of this and we could afford two Kimbrels.

All it takes is a little creativity and we can reverse the fortunes of this obviously cash-strapped franchise, and maybe in the process we can even put an elite team together to bring home a World Series trophy or three. So Mr. McGuirk, consider this my official application to serve on your team of advisors, and if I’m not the man for the job, I can still tell you where to send the royalty checks for the ideas here.

Don’t worry, I won’t ask for much money.