Evil Davies: Defeated! Sort of!

I knew Heap would take care of the Evil Davies situation. Check out this headline:

"Davies, McCann handle Padres"

Damn right . . . I bet they handled a little something else together, too . . .

~~

Yesterday afternoon, before the game, Heap arrives at the clubhouse . . .

Heap: So I have to take a train to San Francisco for the All-Star game.
Frenchy: Uh-huh.
Heap: By myself.
Frenchy: Right.
Heap: I mean, a train, Frenchy. I've never even been on a train before. What if I miss my stop? How do I find the dining car? What if there's an Agatha Christie-style murder and I have to help solve it? Last year Andruw rented a private jet and gave me a ride to the All-Star game. A private jet, man! I didn't even have to drive myself to the airport!
Frenchy: Well, if you wanted my sympathy, maybe you should have nominated me to go with you instead of Smoltz.
Heap: Uhh, it doesn't really work that way --
Frenchy: Whatever, I'm going to Florida. It's going to be WAY FUNNER.
Frenchy: /storms off

Heap: Ugh . . . hey, Kyle, what are you doing?
Evil Davies: /sticks a roll of duct tape behind his back
Evil Davies: Why . . . nothing, Brian. Why do you ask?
Heap: What's up with you calling me "Brian," dude? You haven't called me that since Little League.
Evil Davies: Ah, why, nothing is up, I assure you . . .
Heap: Why are you talking all -- HEY, WAIT A MINUTE! How did you grow your goatee back so fast?? You just shaved that thing off this morning!
Evil Davies: What--whatever would make you think that?
Heap: You came by to borrow my shaving cream! Then you said you needed to borrow my sink . . . and you made me stand there and watch you shave, "just in case." And I was like "just in case of what??" and -- it was like you wanted to make sure I knew you'd shaved!!!

Evil Davies: /smiles (evilly)
Evil Davies: You are very perceptive, Mr. McCann.
Evil Davies: /wields duct tape
Evil Davies: A little too perceptive, I'd say.
Evil Davies: /pulls off a piece of duct tape
Evil Davies: Good thing we have a backup catcher!

Heap: No! Stay back!
Heap: /grabs the Ex-Bat of Destruction.
Heap: /points
Evil Davies: /hisses

Salty: /rounds the corner, in full catcher's gear
Salty: Did someone say backup catch--HOLY CRAP

Heap: Salty, stay clear! This is some sort of evil Davies Doppelganger!
Salty: SOME SORT OF WHAT
Heap: /slashes toward Evil Davies with the Ex-Bat
Heap: Where is the real Davies??
Evil Davies: I am the real Davies!
Salty: OH MY GOD
Salty: OLD MAN MCCANN HAS GONE SENILE!!
Salty: /runs

Something in a nearby janitorial closet: /thumps against the door
Heap: He's in there, isn't he? Release him!!
Evil Davies: /sneers
Evil Davies: You may have won this round, McCann . . .
Evil Davies: But I'll be back!
Evil Davies: /flees the scene

Heap: /stows the Ex-Bat back in his gym bag
Heap: /opens the closet, unties Good Davies
Good Davies: Heap! Thank goodness! I knew I could count on you -- where's my brother?
Heap: Your brother??
Good Davies: It's kind of a long story . . . I'll explain later.
Heap: Right, we'd better go get you warmed up for the game . . . c'mon!
Good Davies: Yay!

Salty: /rounds the corner, with half the team following
Salty: SEE HE'S TRYING TO KILL KYLE

Heap: What are you talking about, Salty?
Good Davies: Trying to kill me! Ha!

Heap and Good Davies: /walk off laughing

Chipper: Dammit, kid, quit accusing Heap of going senile, ya hear me?
Andruw: Yeah, last time you said that he was just sitting in the clubhouse watching Wheel of Fortune.
Salty: But only crazy old people watch that show! And I'm telling you, he was trying to kill Kyle with a broken bat!!
Chipper: /shakes his head
Andruw: /walks off

Salty: But . . . but . . .
Salty: I'm still starting at first, right?

~~

Later, just before the 9th inning . . .

Evil Davies: They think they can get rid of me that easily, hmmmm?

Evil Davies: /places a bucket of fried chicken at the bullpen door
Wicky: Hmm hmm hmm -- what's this?
Wicky: /glances at watch
Wicky: Eh, I've got time!

Evil Davies: /puts on Wicky costume
Evil Davies: Mwhahaha!

Evil Davies As Wicky: /gets two outs, just to make the collapse sting worse

Evil Davies As Wicky: /gives up hit
Evil Davies As Wicky: /gives up hit
Evil Davies As Wicky: /gives up hit
Evil Davies As Wicky: /gives up hit
Evil Davies As Wicky: /gives up hit

Evil Davies As Wicky: Mwhahaha! Everything is going according to pla--
Marcus Giles: /steps into batter's box
Evil Davies As Wicky: Oh, holy hell -- how do you NOT strike Marcus Giles out?!
Evil Davies As Wicky: /throws strike
Marcus Giles: /fouls
Evil Davies As Wicky: /throws ball
Marcus Giles: /swings and misses
Evil Davies As Wicky: Dammit, fine, here's a perfect one! You CAN'T miss this, you infuriating little imp!
Evil Davies As Wicky: /throws strike right down the middle of the plate
Marcus Giles: /stares
Braves: /win

Evil Davies As Wicky: AHH, FOILED AGAIN!!
Marcus Giles: /

Marcus Giles: AWWWW, LEMME HAVE A DO-OVER!!! C'MON!

~~

Someone mentioned last week that I should post a link to The Dugout, just in case anyone on here hasn't found it yet -- if you like this sort of dialogue-style baseball humor, you'll love The Dugout, which is a regular comic about chatrooms for MLB players . . . it's genius (also totally uncensored, so if you're sensitive about any offensive language whatsoever . . . avoid). Here's one of my favorite strips about the Braves.