So Furman Bisher decided to publish a ridiculous article over at the AJC. FireJoeMorgan would probably turn over in its grave if it read that blog and my attempt at duplicating their style. Whatever. Plus, I get it, Bisher used to be a legend sportswriter blah, blah, blah. That still doesn't excuse him for being posting ridiculous crap. Here's the article - hope you enjoy.

There comes a time in the life of any guy who owns a word processor that he is seized by this urge to take over the management of somebody's baseball team.

First off, I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that 90-year old Furman isn't talking about people who use Microsoft Word and Notepad, which everyone knows is essential to building a baseball team, when he says "word processor."

"Word processor may also refer to an obsolete type of stand-alone office machine, popular in the 1970s and 80s." - Wikipedia

And my suspicion is correct. Furman, I think what you're referring to is a "computer."

In this case: The Braves.

Let's play the Braves drinking game. Take one drink for every time he mentions 14 division titles, the 1991 Worst-to-First season, or Jeff Blauser.

While most everybody else is looking in the direction of some football conflict, perhaps I can reply to the seizure without hurting somebody's feelings.

Referring to it as a "seizure" probably won't help.

Once upon a time the Braves usually dealt from within when talent was in need.

List of talent on the Braves that have came from within in 2008: Manny Acosta, Jeff Bennett, Blaine Boyer, Francisley Bueno, Jorge Campillo, Buddy Carlyle, Chuck James, Brent Lillibridge, Charlie Morton, James Parr, Jo-Jo Reyes, Phil Stockman, Brian McCann, Clint Sammons, Yunel Escobar, Kelly Johnson, Chipper Jones, Martin Prado, Gregor Blanco, Jeff Francoeur, Brandon Jones.

In other words, they still "usually" do this.

That meant having a lot of "bird dogs"- free agent scouts who got paid only when they produced.

Goddamn unions.

When the Braves set off on their seasons of exceptional prosperity in the early 90's, they did it, mainly, with farm-grown produce.

Don't you like how he slipped in "mainly" so I couldn't bring up all those Greg Maddux Cy Young awards, Terry Pendleton's MVP, and Fred McGriff's should-be-in-the-Hall-of-Fame career? And that's one more drink.

Along they came, Steve Avery, Tom Glavine, John Smoltz, Mark Lemke, Jeff Blauser, Ron Gant, Mark Wohlers, Chipper Jones, Kent Mercker, Mike Stanton, Javier Lopez, Kevin Millwood, and on and on.

All future HOFers... and another drink.

I cite, in particular, here, Smoltz and Glavine, neither of whom is registered on the 40-man off-season roster.

Because they're free agents coming back from major arm surgeries. Signing 40+ year-old pitchers to millions of dollars coming off of huge arm surgeries is a dumb-shit move when you don't know if they can ever throw another baseball. Their 40-man roster spot is being filled with prospects so they won't be lost in the Rule V draft.

"Wren has said numerous times that he's interested in bringing Tom Glavine and John Smoltz back next year if they prove they can still pitch." - Mark Bowman, MLB.com's Atlanta Braves beat writer.

Last season was the Braves' worst since 1990. just [sic] before John Schuerholz's reign of prosperity began.

Does that count as mentioning the Worst-to-First year?

The prospect of facing the next season with Jair Jurrjens as ace of the staff seems to have present management so perturbed that they went out and signed another pitcher with a losing record and an inflated ERA, Javier Vazquez.

Oh, dear God. He did it. He really fucking did it. He really used Win-Loss and ERA to evaluate a pitcher. And you know what, he did it on a word processor.

Not to malign Senor Vazquez,

Or Retarded Rusty, Darkie Dan, and towel-headed Muhammed,

but such signings as these have not worked out to the glory of the cause, and I cite here Russ Ortiz, Albie Lopez and the most costly of all, Mike Hampton, who took off for other parts after three seasons as a Braves' dependent.

So basically, the Braves need to stop taking chances whatsoever. They keep manufacturing aces left and right, only to trade them away. We need to take the Chuck James, Kyle Davies, and Anthony Lerews of the world and leave them in their rotation. All that money they have to spend this offseason? Save it - because they can stay within the organization and leave Jorge Campillo as their number-two starter.

/sarcasm.

As if they didn't learn a costly lesson from that, they are now leaving their calling card with A.J. Burnett's agent, 31 years old and twice under the knife. (Burnett, not his agent.)

But he won 18 games and had an ERA of 4.07 last year! (Burnett, not his agent.)

Oh, but for the likes of the young and handsome Adam Wainwright, now the Cardinals' ace, who was traded away for one season with the nomadic J.D. Drew.

Sure, the Braves probably regret that move - what team doesn't have a move they wish they could take back. But JD Drew did lead the 2004 Braves in most offensive categories - becoming a huge reason the Braves made the postseason that year. Meanwhile, Adam Wainwright missed most of last year to injury.

Hindsight's 20/20, Furman. During those "prosperity" years, the Braves traded Jermaine Dye and Jason Schmidt and still managed to win.

They did happen to pick up an inexpensive Casey Kotchman in the deal, but back to Vazquez again, they traded a hot number with power, Tyler Flowers, for him. And Tyler can play first base, and has power.

You can't turn shit into gold and Flowers has power. You have to trade something good to get something good, like Flowers power for MLB talent. Other teams are smarter than you think. Plus, Flowers has power. Flower Power.

Yes, Flowers *can* play first base - because he sucks at catcher. He's also old for his league and coming off a steroid suspension. Contrary to Furman belief, the Braves have other power hitting prospects and can afford to spare one for proven MLB talent.

What should bother Frank Wren is what's going on with all those 47 scouts and those special assistants who are supposed to be covering the world and feeding that fallow farm system.

And this is where Furman loses complete credibility. Notice the word "fallow." Now, if you're under the age of 75, you might not know what that means (or maybe I'm just stupid.) But it means inactive. You hear that Tommy Hanson? You and your leading-the-minors-in-strikeouts, opponent-batting average and all those no-hitters can go fuck themselves. Jason Heyward the #3 prospect in all of baseball? Sorry. Freddie Freeman? Gorkys Hernandez? Julio Teheran? Losers. Rohrbough? Locke? Medlen? Hicks? Johnson? Kimbrel? DeVall? Never heard of them. Todd Redmond?! He won all those games, Furman, with a superb ERA!

I know it's incredibly hard to fathom, Furman, but times have really changed. You actually have to do in-depth research nowadays, some stats are actually highly team dependent, and taking 47 scouts to evaluate talent for a $500 million dollar baseball franchise isn't exactly mind blowing. There's also a huge flaw in Furman's philosophy: if you don't trade for anyone, and you don't sign any free agents, you've severely limited the amount of talent that can be brought in - ergo, more losing seasons.