I was confused by Bobby and Porter's trip out to the mound to check on Gonzo last night -- he certainly didn't have his best stuff, but I wasn't sure why they were thinking "injury." Apparently Bobby was worried because Gonzo was shaking off calls and didn't have much on his fastball. As much as I love that Bobby assumes any pitcher who is shaking off Heap must have something physically wrong with him, this Gonzo development is worrisome. Gonzo admits that something is off, but says he's not in any pain. He feels like he's throwing a "tennis ball" and used the word "frustrated" close to 80 times in his quotes.

Whenever something goes mysteriously wrong with a relief pitcher, I automatically blame Mark Wohlers. He was the first Braves reliever who had the ability to make me sick to my stomach with fear and dread. After singlehandedly losing the 1996 World Series to the Yankees (at least, that's how I remember it), and suffering his resulting meltdown, I think he worked some powerful black magic on us. We haven't won a Series since, while the Yanks have won three since The Pivotal Moment of Mark Wohlers' Life. Is this completely Mark Wohlers' fault? Absolutely. But he didn't just curse our team in general -- Wohlers was much more crafty than that. He cursed our bullpen. It paved the way for years of getting our hopes up only to have the bullpen piss them away. True evil is powerful in its subtlety.

I was naive enough to think that maybe The Curse was broken along with our division winning streak. Wohlers' Curse had finally brought us not just a bad relief pitcher, but a true sign of the apocalypse: a fragile Canadian. The damage was great, and after ten years of enduring The Curse, I had the nerve to hope that somewhere, Wohlers was satisfied with our long suffering. But now Gonzo is having unexplainable problems, and I'm still not convinced that The Curse hasn't somehow gained strength, crept into the starting rotation and manifested itself as Mike Hampton.

So what to do? How do we save Gonzo and rid ourselves of The Curse? Should we aim to appease Wohlers, maybe by retiring number 43? Or should we go the other way, and try to . . . defeat him somehow?

I did a little research this morning, just trying to figure out where in the hell Mark Wohlers even is these days. Research was inconclusive. I personally imagine him prowling around some crumbling mansion in western New York, muttering to himself and eating Chef Boyardee ravioli out of the can, possibly wearing an eye patch. Despite being unable to locate him, I did read this on his Wikipedia page:

He has not returned to baseball, although he also has never formally announced his retirement.

Maybe this is why The Curse persists? Maybe if we could somehow get Wohlers to officially retire, Gonzo would be magically cured? Kind of like in The Little Mermaid, when they kill the Sea Witch? Everything would just go back to normal . . .

While researching Wohlers this morning, I also came across The Mark Wohlers Obsession Page. Sounds funny, doesn't it? At first glance, it is very funny. Early this morning, I thought I'd found a comedy goldmine. The picture of Wohlers dressed as a cowboy? The picture of he and Glavine on an old ChopTalk cover, dressed as Revolutionary War soldiers? At first it seemed like a page featuring Wohlers dressed in various goofy outfits was a good sign, a kind of weapon to dissolve his frightening power. Then I read on, and the whole thing just got kind of dark and depressing, as anything involving Wohlers necessarily does. So, foiled again. Damn you, Wohlers!

Elsewhere, Smoltz assures us he's "not going to pitch naked," so that's a relief.