New Braves Center Fielder Michael Bourn's last name is clearly very, very easy to structure puns around. But with great pun-making power comes great pun responsibility, so here's a guide to the only appropriate times to make a Bourn pun. If you happen to live in Houston, I'm just going to assume you've heard all of these before.
Bourn to Run - Well, he's the leading base-stealer in all of baseball, so this one can't be too hard to figure out, but make sure to use it sparingly. Bonus points for finding a way to tie in Clarence Clemons that isn't in completely bad taste.
Bourn to be Wild - He doesn't really seem the type so far (though it has happened before kinda), but if Bourn ever does charge the mound or get in any disciplinary infraction, get ready to see this headline all over the internet for 24 hours.
ReBourn - Not especially creative, but will certainly come in handy when he sparks a significant comeback in this year's playoffs.
Bourn on Date - OH WE ARE ALL OVER THAT ONE, RIGHT GUYS?
The Bourn Identity/Supremacy/Ultimatum - Oh yes, this film series will come in handy. Identity isn't very helpful, but Supremacy is certainly applicable for any Player of the Game-type performances, and Braves fans will certainly hear a Bourn Ultimatum pun or two when it comes arbitration time after the season. What's even better: "The Bourne Legacy" comes out August 3rd, 2012, just as the Braves will no doubt be two months away from saying goodbye to another Scott Boras client.
Bourn to Be Somebody - Any Justin Bieber fans in the house? I expect a video tribute to Bourn with this as the soundtrack on my desk, TOMORROW!
Bournout - You are trying too hard to say "burnout" or something. Quit it. Do not use.
Bourn in the U.S.A. - Yes, he was born in Houston, inside the United States, but this one has limited use. If he happens to play in the World Baseball Classic or if someone asks for his real birth certificate, by all means, go ahead and try this one out.
Airbourn - I haven't heard this yet, but Wikipedia claims it's Michael Bourn's nickname, so, uh, I'm gonna go ahead and say it's an overused pun by now.
Bourn This Way - Did anybody even like that song?
Bourn to Dance - Now THIS is the hip reference you're looking for, sportswriters.
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