FanPost

This is that FanPost


About two weeks ago, we were within spitting distance of the Phillies, had an impenetrable lead in the wild card race, and the playoffs seemed like a better guarantee than the one the guy with the ridiculously deep voice gives you at the end of those Men's Warehouse commercials. Today, we sit eight games back of Philadelphia, and only a game and a half up in the wild card. So my question is this; who penetrated us? We're losing ground at a pretty alarming rate, and we're doing so with two of the hottest hitters in the National League at the moment. I've been wracking my brain to try and figure out how we went from looking like a team that could go on a deep playoff run, to a team that just looks deeply run down. Amidst all the thinking and hypothesizing, I came to a conclusion. I know exactly why we haven't fully hit our stride yet. I understand why we can't pitch well and hit well in the same week, much less the same game.  And the answer is remarkably simple.

We haven't had that fanpost yet. No one has written anything suggesting Heyward be benched or moved down in the line-up yet. Not a single person amongst us has penned a few paragraphs talking about how we need to blow up the team and go into complete rebuilding mode. Yes, we had the "Pujols, Kemp, Reyes" post, even had a Grady Sizemore post for some reason. But there hasn't yet been a post so unequivocally stupid, so mind numbingly painful, that not only did it cause each and every chopper who read it to unite under a banner of ridicule, but in some way shape form and fashion caused the team to play better because of its supreme ignorance and lack of information. No longer shall we endure this, for I am out to rectify what is wrong in the blogosphere and with our beloved Braves. Search for stupidity no longer. This is that fanpost.

Our pitching staff has been atrocious since the All Star Break, and wasn't all that good before it. Yeah, we had like 4-5 really good pitching games, but the rest weren't as good as the stat lines and numbers and actually games made them look. Huddy has looked old all year long, and should probably be put out to pasture in the off season. Hanson and Jurrjens were clearly over achieving in the first half, but even then they weren't even that good. Tommy must have an injury or something, because he doesn't ever throw over 90-91 now. He needs to grow his hair and beard back out so it can cover up his miserable performances. Jair is completely worthless, and slightly overweight. Curacao sucks. Brandon Beachy, like most men, just simply can't go deep enough to satisfy anyone. Always gotta have the bullpen ready when he's on the bump, cause after 5 innings, you gotta yank him. The only sure thing about this group is that Derek Lowe is going to have a phenomenal September again, mark it down.

Heyward is a total bust! We gave up Frenchy for this bum?? He was a better fielder, and has so much more power. The only reason Heyward is on the team is cause we don't have any other people of color, and in today's society, you have to be diverse. Which is also probably the only reason Uggla is on the team. Anyone ever see him constantly kissing other guys in the dugout? That's right, you heard it here first. Dan Uggla likes boys, not that there's anything wrong with that. Chipper Jones has the body of Robin Williams character from that movie "Robots" that was constantly breaking down and needed to be destroyed. Every game he plays in now, he takes another step away from the Hall of Fame. At this point, it wouldn't surprise me to see Dale Murphy get in before he did.

The lone bright spots have come from Freddie Freeman and Brian McCann. Freeman is having a decent enough year, but as we learned with Heyward, this is probably as good as it will ever get for the kid. He'll never develop great power, and his extremely limited range will cost us many runs in the future. Mac is having a "decent" year, but his numbers look inflated because Buster Posey has been hurt all year and we aren't having to compare McCann and his averageness to Poesy's hall of fame callibur numbers.

Also, this site is gawd awful. The writers are lazy and incompetent, and all the bloggers are so rude to each other. This could be vastly improved by reinstating The ChopMaster and giving him his own weekly "Tidbits" column. The guy is 14 years old, comes from a rich family (his dad makes THIRTY-TWO DOLLARS AN HOUR!) and has more baseball knowledge in his pinky than everyone else on this site combined.

All in all though, this year is a total loss. We can only hope Liberty Media sales the team after this year to someone like Bill Gates or Steve Jobs that way we can have a high payroll and afford the best players out there. I hear Pujols is fixing to be a free agent! As for this year, let's just conceit defeat and start rooting for the Phillies to win it all cause they are in our division and to lose the division to the eventual World Series champs isn't soo bad.

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This concludes the streaming flow of unconsciousness. If ever there were a time to ridicule something all together as one, if ever there were a spark to ignite our team to a long run of victories, if ever there was a pitiful excuse for a waste of time wrapped up like a polished turd for all of Talking Chop to hate, this is it. This is that fanpost.

This FanPost does not express the views or opinions of Talking Chop.

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