Heywardisms

Like Chuck Norris, Jason Heyward is an unstoppable force of nature and after reading a few one-liners about him, I got the idea of making this post. So, I want everyone to come up with some sayings and facts about Jason Heyward. Here are the two that first sparked my imagination.

"Like the grim reaper, you don't know when or how, but he's going to get you."

- Brad Hainje

"Morton hit Heyward with an offspeed pitch. Early indication is that the baseball survived the impact."

- Mark Bowman

                                                                  Jason Heyward Facts

1. Jason Heyward got a perfect score on his SAT's, simply by writing Jason Heyward for every answer.

2. If Superman and The Flash were to race to the edge of space you know who would win? Jason Heyward.

3. Guns don't kill people, Heyward's homers do.

4. Jason Heyward's first job as a kid was as a paperboy. There were no survivors.

5. Some wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears a Heyward jersey.

6. Icy Hot is too weak for Jason. After a game, he rubs his mucles down with liquid hot MAGMA.

7. When Jason Heyward does a push up, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.

8. If at first you don't succeed, then your'e not Jason Heyward.

9. Jason Heyward is what Willis was talking about.

10. If paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, what beats all 3 at the same time? Answer: Jason Heyward.

11. He hits right-handed homeruns….left-handed.

12. Jason Heyward always wins at black jack, even when he goes over 21. After all, who’s gonna tell him he can’t hit?

13. The ShamWow is actually named after Heyward’s swing.

14. Jason Heyward doesn’t steal bases. They’re offered up to him as sacrifices.

15. Jason Heyward became the first player to hit a 400 foot homer... with an empty paper towel roll.

16. Jason Heyward does not hit homeruns. Balls take one look at him and flee in abject terror.

17. The birth of Jason Heyward was God’s punishment for the sins of the people in New York and Philly.

18. Jason Heyward once played for the Cardinals. He hit in the #2 spot in the order. Most guys pitched around him to get to Pujols.

19. Heyward hit a grand slam with none on.

20. With Heyward, the braves are able to play two extra infielders, because his position is the outfield.

21. Heyward can lift a rock too heavy for him to pick up

22. After he hits a homerun, the bases circle Jason Heyward.

23. Jason Heyward stole fifth base.

24. Jason Heyward can kill a yak from 500 yards away…………………with mind bullets!

25. Jason Heyward is a terminator…….. except that he only kills the phili’s with his long bombs.

26. The “Jason Heyward”… batteries not included.

27. Remember the Soviet Union? They decided to quit after watching A ball hit by Heyward.

28. Heyward played russian roulette with a fully loaded gun…and won.

29. Heyward doesn't bowl strikes, he knocks down one pen and the other nine faint.

30. Jason Heyward wakes up every morning and yawns and all his neighbors get stomach aches from the low, intense vibrations.

31. Albert Pujols was reportedly scratched from the Cardinals line up today. Reports are that he had a terrible dream last night and awoke in a cold sweat, saying only one thing, “…Heyward.”

32. Angelina Jolie tapes a picture of Jason Heyward to the back of her spouse’s head. So does Brad Pitt.

33. Jason Heyward reads braille…with his eyes.

34. The copyrights to the phrase “The shot heard round the world” are challenged every time Jason Heyward hits a homerun.

35. Jason Heyward eats a bowl of nails every morning, without any milk.

36. A reporter was walking through the Atlanta Braves locker room and got a very puzzled look on his face when he say a note that said “Jason Heyward——pitcher.” When he asked around, one of the trainers looked at him and said, “You try fitting that thing in a cup!”

37. Jason Heyward’s bat actually weighs 500 pounds. He goes easy in at-bats because he doesn’t want to explode too many baseballs.

38. Jason Heyward plays every position on the field, he just moves so fast that he creates after-images that look like other players.

39. Jason Heyward took batting practice, and wouldn't give it back.

40. If Jason Heyward decided to become a pitcher, the rising fastball would no longer be just an illusion.

41. Joe Morgan actually takes time to do the research when he's talking about Jason Heyward.

42. Jason Heyward taught Jesus how to hit a curveball. (Jesus Sucre)

43. JHey is so good he has his own fanpost dedicated to him called “heywardisms.”

44. The Louisville Slugger Corp. is moving it’s operations to Jason’s hometown of Ridgewood, NJ. They will change their name to Ridgewood Slugger Bat Co. (with Jason’s permission of course).

45. There no hands on Jason Heyward's watch... the dial just says "time to kick ass".

46. Spring Training was instituted so the rest of the league could have a theoretical chance in opening the season as prepared as Heyward.

47. Jason Heyward was once the F.B.I’s chief negotiator. His job involved calling up criminals and saying, “This is Jason Heyward.”

48. Jason Heyward is the reason Waldo is hiding.

49. God said: “Let there be light.” Jason Heyward said: “Say please!”

50. Jason Heyward lost his virginity before his dad did.

51. Jason Heyward died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can’t get up the courage to tell him.

52. When Jason Heyward went to donate sperm, half the nurses drowned; the rest were pregnant.

53. The North American Bison nearly went extinct because Jason Heyward needed a leather jacket.

54. Jason Heyward has slept with the girl in your sex dreams.

55. Jason Heyward is so fast he can start a fire by rubbing two ice cubes together.

56. Upon hearing that Lance Armstrong lost his testicles to cancer, Jason Heyward donated one of his to Lance. With just one of Jason’s nuts, Lance was able to win the Tour De France seven times. By the way, Jason still has two testicles; either he was able to produce a new one simply by flexing, or he had three to begin with. No one knows for sure.

57. Andy Samberg wants you to believe that cool guys don't look at explosions. He's wrong. How do I know? Jason Heyward watches after he hits homeruns.

Add your Jason Heyward facts in the comment section and I will update the list periodically. These are awesome so far!