Tommy Hanson - The Hype is Real

I moonlight for the Associated Press on occasion, and I was contacted by their sporting bureau for a piece on Hanson's call up to Atlanta.  The following will be published nationally on friday morning*.

(AP) On the 6th of June, in the year of our lord 2009, the very nature of professional competition will be redefined permanently, as Tommy Hanson will be making his MLB debut for the Atlanta Braves.  The highly touted uber-prospect and likely superhuman will be taking the mound at 7:10PM Eastern Standard time, in what is sure to be a historically memorable event not just for Americans, but for every sentient resident of the universe.

As the sporting world braces for the impact of his arrival, let’s learn a little bit more about Hanson.  He was born August 26th, 1986 in Tulsa, Oklahoma weighing 59 lbs and bench pressing over 350 lbs at birth.  He threw his first no hitter at age 5 in T-ball, by just standing on the mound and staring at the hitters until they peed themselves and walked back to their team.  At age 8 he impregnated two high school cheerleaders simultaneously.   His career continued to progress until he was drafted in the 22nd round by the Atlanta Braves as a draft and follow.  His draft status only slipped from #1 overall after he informed all MLB GM’s that he would be running for president in 2008.  He later decided to pursue baseball instead.

The effects of Hanson’s debut will be far reaching indeed.  Wall St. has busied itself preparing for the effects that Hanson will have on the world economy.  The burgeoning NL Hitter’s Statistics Secondary Swaps Market has been in upheaval since the news Hanson was getting the call.  Goldman Sachs Analyst Ralph Fronkstein commented, “We are predicting a total reduction in National League offense of 40% within a month of Hanson’s arrival.  While his pitching will surely limit his direct opponents to zero performance, in addition many hitters will be so emotionally scarred after the incident that they can no longer hit consistently at a professional level again”.  As of press time, there was no word from the SEC on whether there would be a temporary ban on the shorting of NL Hitter stocks.

Baseball scouts are similarly optimistic about Hanson’s projected performance.  When ESPN analyst Keith Law was asked about how he felt Hanson would fare in the big leagues, his eyes immediately rolled back into his head, showing only the whites, and he began to speak rapidly in tongues.  After a short period of time, he continued in English “The circle is now complete.  The chosen one has arrived.   As it was written in ancient times, the arrival of he known as Hanson would signify the dawn of a new era.  His is the fastball, the changeup, and the plus curveball.   The nations of earth shall unite behind his K/9.”  Law was then taken to a local hospital, where he is in stable condition and has no memory of the incident.

Hanson’s debut will take place in Atlanta on Saturday, against the Milwaukee Brewers.   Some early speculation indicates that Milwaukee may not show up to the stadium, but instead drink whiskey in the team bus and cry silently all day.  Should the Brewers show up for competition, the Braves organization anticipates a sold out crowd.  The first 20,000 fans to arrive will be given an Atlanta Braves hat with a blonde mullet sticking out the back.   Braves management has asked, however, that any ovulating women in attendance sit at least 20 rows back, as beholding Hanson’s fastball in close proximity has been known to cause pregnancy.

*Or here and on my fantasy baseball message board