At this time of need...
by Mike de La Hoz on Apr 21, 2009 11:47 PM EDT
45 comments
With things turning to dung at this time...I miss Velcro Vernacular.
reprinted from TC arcival records.
A Complex Metaphor for Last Night's Game
by Velcro Vernacular on Jul 25, 2007 12:27 PM EDT 22 comments
Yesterday Rain Delay suggested that I write something about Heap and Frenchy's high school days. Of course those two had actual high school days together (sort of -- they didn't go to the same school, but apparently they were buddies then, too), but what fun would that be unless I pretended that the others went to school with them? I'd already written this sort of unfunny thing about where the Braves would sit at lunch if they went to high school together -- you know, the cool seniors table (Chipper, Rent, Smoltz, Andruw, Huddy), then the semi-cool but mostly dorky juniors table (Frenchy, Heap, Scooter, formerly Davies, Thor, Chuckie), the bullpen (Wicky, etc.: lots of eating contests), the freshmen (Yuney, Salty, now Jo-Jo) and of course the dorks (Diaz, Woodward, and the king of the dorks, Orr, running his elaborte Connect Four tournaments from the Dork Table).
So that was kind of lame and I just put it aside, but now, thanks to RD's suggestion and some inspiration from last night's game, I have come up with the perfect high school metaphor, and yeah, it's kind of weird, but at least not as dark as the Huddy-beats-the-ever-loving-crap-out-of-Wicky idea I had earlier.
~~
It's after five o'clock at Random Suburban High School, and a group of students has stayed late to work on their science project . . .
Heap: Man, Huddy, I'm so glad we have you to help us with this.
Frenchy: Yeah, you're like. Awesome at science.
Huddy: Thanks fellas, and may I say that I am feeling particularly awesome at science tonight?
Heap: Yeah, I could tell! So what's the plan?
Huddy: A working volcano, of course!
Scooter: Brilliant!
Heap: I'll help you draw up the plans.
Frenchy: I'll go buy the supplies.
Scooter: And I'll paint it when you're done!
Huddy: Cool, sounds good. But aren't there two more people in our group?
Chipper: /shows up at the classroom door
Chipper: /smacking gum arrogantly
Heap: /whispers to Frenchy
Heap: Oh my God it's Chipper Jones!!
Frenchy: Shut up, shut up! Act cool.
Heap: /nods enthusiastically
Chipper: Hey.
Huddy: Hey, man. You gonna help us?
Chipper: I sure am.
Chipper: /dumps an armload of materials on Huddy's desk
Chipper: There ya go.
Huddy: Wow, thanks! I'll be able to make an awesome volcano with this stuff.
Chipper: No problem. Later.
Frenchy: BYE CHIPPER!
Chipper: /saunters off
Frenchy organizes the supplies while Heap and Huddy make plans. When the volcano is constructed, Scooter puts on the finishing touches.
Heap: Wow, that was easier than I thought it would be! Great job, Huddy!
Huddy: Thanks, kid. Just have to test it to make sure it works--
Huddy: /pours chemicals in
Volcano: /does nothing
Huddy: Oh, dammit! Why isn't this thing working!
Frenchy: Man, we were almost done, too!
Huddy: Hmm, what did I do wrong . . .?
Barry Bonds: /walks through the hall, clutching his own science project
Barry Bonds: /peeks into the classroom where our heroes are puzzling over theirs
Barry Bonds: Hey guys.
Huddy: Huh? Oh hi, Barry.
Barry Bonds: Check this out.
Barry Bonds: /holds up a professional-looking volcano that is spewing lava successfully
Huddy: Hey, what the hell! How'd you finish yours so fast, and where's the rest of your group?
Barry Bonds: Those clowns? Who cares, this project is all about me and my genius.
Huddy: So how'd you do it?
Barry Bonds: Uh, you know. Science.
Huddy: Well, yeah, but what chemicals did you use?
Barry Bonds: Um.
Barry Bonds: Sodium?
Huddy: Sodium! You don't even know -- you paid someone to make that for you, didn't you!
Barry Bonds: You can't prove that!!
Huddy: Whatever, get out of here!
Huddy: /slams the door in his face
Huddy: Ugh, I need to get some fresh air and think. You guys hold down the fort while I take a walk, okay?
Heap: Sure, Hud.
Huddy: /walks off
Frenchy: Mannnn, this is taking longer than I thought it would. I'm hungry!
Heap: Well get over it, we have to finish this or we'll fail!
Scooter: I'm hungry, too. Maybe we should run down to the vending machines?
Frenchy: Yeah!!
Heap: Alright, fine. I guess I could use a snack.
A few minutes later, they return to the classroom with food from the vending machines . . .
Wicky: /standing in the doorway
Wicky: Uh, hey guys. Sorry I'm late.
Heap: Oh, that's okay, we're practically done anywa-- OH MY GOD
Volcano: /almost completely gone, only a few shreds of papier mache clinging to a plywood board
Frenchy: WHOA
Scooter: What the hell happened??!
Wicky: /sad face
Wicky: I . . . sat on it.
Heap: WHAT?!
Wicky: Okay, I ate it!!
Huddy: /appears in the doorway
Huddy: WICKY ARE YOU EFFING KIDDING ME
Wicky: Sorry, I'm really sorry! I only wanted to help!!
Heap: And eating our science project helps how?!
Wicky: It seemed like a good idea at the time!
Huddy: All my hard work!
Scooter: We're gonna fail!
Rent: /appears in the hallway
Rent: Hey guys, what's wrong?
Huddy: EVERYTHING
Rent: Oh gosh, I'm sorry to hear that. I just wanted to let you guys know that I went ahead and finished our science project and turned it in this afternoon.
Huddy: Buh--wha--I didn't even know you were in our group!
Heap: Yeah, we would have helped you!
Rent: Oh, that's okay, I don't mind! Anyway, see you later!
Huddy: /stunned silence
Wicky: /glances at Frenchy
Wicky: Um
Wicky: You gonna finish those Funions?
~~
Later . . .
Frenchy: Oh my God, look at him over there.
Heap: So?
Frenchy: C'monnnn, it's too sad to watch him eating lunch alone! Let's invite him to sit with us.
Heap: Um, do you realize who you're talking about?
Frenchy: So he's a little weird, so what? Everyone deserves friends!
Frenchy: Hey, Salty, come sit with us!
Salty: /head jerks up
Salty: /runs over, grinning
Salty: Hey guys!
Frenchy: Hey! How are you?
Salty: Me? Oh I'm awesome of course, couldn't be better. What's that you're eating? String cheese? Did you know my great uncle invented string cheese? Yeah we're pretty much millionaires because of it, well, more like billionaires, possibly trillionaires, only, you know, we don't believe in like, showing off, so we donate most of it to charity.
Frenchy: That's--
Salty: Yeah the S'lamacchia family has built like, probably 900 homeless shelters. We're just giving like that. I had a Porshce once, but I gave it to a homeless guy. He cried.
Heap: /glares at Frenchy
Salty: Anyway, you should probably give me half of that string cheese. I mean you kinda owe me, since my family invented it and all.
Frenchy: Um, sure--
Salty: /sings "You're Simply The Best"
Salty: /with a mouthful of string cheese
Heap: /leaves the table
~~
6 recs |
45 comments
Email
Print
Comments
I love this!
That made this horrible day a little better.
by ATLandKC on Apr 22, 2009 12:15 AM EDT reply actions 0 recs
Oh yeah!!!
I miss her writing too.
Thanks for resurrecting one her killer posts to put a smile on this face tonight!
yeah the other 96 is that I am too good for everyone else.
by Lizziebeth on Apr 22, 2009 12:26 AM EDT reply actions 0 recs
well we don’t want you smiling. I better delete it.
by yondaime4 on Apr 22, 2009 12:26 AM EDT up reply actions 0 recs
AAaagghh
Don’t delete it – I’ll put the present in front of my face, I swurrrr. Oh wait, you can’t see me anyway…or can you?
yeah the other 96 is that I am too good for everyone else.
by Lizziebeth on Apr 22, 2009 12:30 AM EDT up reply actions 0 recs
well some people around here propagate the rumor that I am a bit of a stalker. But those people are almost 40% wrong.
by yondaime4 on Apr 22, 2009 12:32 AM EDT up reply actions 0 recs
Fixed
well some people around here propagate the rumor that I am abit of a stalkerhorrible speller. But those people arealmost 40%0% wrong.
People will come Ray. The one constant through all the years, Ray, has been baseball. America has rolled by like an army of steamrollers. It has been erased like a blackboard, rebuilt and erased again. But baseball has marked the time. This field, this game: it's a part of our past, Ray. It reminds of us of all that once was good and it could be again.
by mvandonsel on Apr 22, 2009 2:12 AM EDT up reply actions 0 recs
What happened to her?
I used to love reading those fictional chats.
by Weldon on Apr 22, 2009 1:01 AM EDT reply actions 0 recs
From her last posts, it seemed that her new job was taking more and more of her time…even though her boss was a Braves fan too…
...catsports...
by bwellnjonesco on Apr 22, 2009 8:55 AM EDT up reply actions 0 recs
Loved Velcro Vernacular
I used to read her site all the time.
"If I had a little humility, I would be perfect" - Ted Turner
by Little Lady on Apr 22, 2009 1:14 AM EDT reply actions 0 recs
haha
thanks for posting this. i had forgotten about some of these scenarios she had going.
by brndn on Apr 22, 2009 1:29 AM EDT reply actions 0 recs
Maaaaaan, this is classic, I too miss her. Does anybody know her in real life? Maybe if we all chip in some cash she will come back.
People will come Ray. The one constant through all the years, Ray, has been baseball. America has rolled by like an army of steamrollers. It has been erased like a blackboard, rebuilt and erased again. But baseball has marked the time. This field, this game: it's a part of our past, Ray. It reminds of us of all that once was good and it could be again.
by mvandonsel on Apr 22, 2009 2:11 AM EDT reply actions 0 recs
I remember when i was a noob, and she posted something about the Braves on an airplane, and Pete Orr was running around doing something crazy. i then spent time wondering if this was real or not. Then i felt like a dumbass.
"Ohhhh Shit."-Bobby Cox, 3/28/09
by 10-4 on Apr 22, 2009 8:50 AM EDT reply actions 0 recs
Good stuff
Braves 2009 offense: in play, out(s)
Braves 2009 bullpen: in play, run(s)
by Smoltz's Beard on Apr 22, 2009 10:11 AM EDT reply actions 0 recs
Where is that girl?
We have to find her..
She’s the reason I started reading this Talking Chop thingy.
by sddbaker on Apr 22, 2009 5:13 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs
Actually, I think I have her email...
…I will check in with her and see what’s going on.
by sddbaker on Apr 22, 2009 5:14 PM EDT up reply actions 0 recs
me too…I think…
...catsports...
by bwellnjonesco on Apr 23, 2009 1:08 PM EDT up reply actions 0 recs
Jenny’s fine, just very busy. She’s not blogged in almost a year at Velcro Vernacular.
by Lauren T. on Apr 22, 2009 6:37 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs
She should come back to TC! :)
People will come Ray. The one constant through all the years, Ray, has been baseball. America has rolled by like an army of steamrollers. It has been erased like a blackboard, rebuilt and erased again. But baseball has marked the time. This field, this game: it's a part of our past, Ray. It reminds of us of all that once was good and it could be again.
by mvandonsel on Apr 22, 2009 6:45 PM EDT up reply actions 0 recs
I’m friends with Jenny on LiveJournal.com and she posted over a month ago, after not posting for around six months, saying that she just wasn’t doing the MLB blog anymore but is around the internet (not sure where). She didn’t know how much she would use her LJ anymore either. With that said, she says she’s still really into baseball and Mac (or Heap, as she and a lot of other fans like to call him).
Other than that bit of info, her blog site, http://velcroblog.com, is more or less no longer there/working properly, as it seems to have been dismantled.
BravesGirlBlog.com - Braves blogging by a Braves girl.
by mccannfan on Apr 23, 2009 12:20 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs
That’s good for her. To some degree, I think it’s good for everyone to disconnect, and go live their lives sometimes. People who start blogs and such, after a while, it begins to feel like some sort of obligation, and if it ever loses its fun or appeal, that’s when I would say, hit the brakes and get the eff out. Just because she doesn’t post any stories anymore doesn’t make her any less of a baseball fan.
No wonder nobody likes you, Tuttle... everything's a (Pujols) damn debate.
by royhobbs on Apr 23, 2009 12:39 PM EDT up reply actions 0 recs
Bingo, royhobbs. People got a bit demanding, wanting new stories from her, new blog posts. A little break turned into a big one. I can’t say I blame her — I’ve felt that way with my own blog.
by Lauren T. on Apr 23, 2009 8:14 PM EDT up reply actions 0 recs
I guess I never realized how demanding people were towards her. That is too bad.
People will come Ray. The one constant through all the years, Ray, has been baseball. America has rolled by like an army of steamrollers. It has been erased like a blackboard, rebuilt and erased again. But baseball has marked the time. This field, this game: it's a part of our past, Ray. It reminds of us of all that once was good and it could be again.
by mvandonsel on Apr 24, 2009 1:22 AM EDT up reply actions 0 recs
I think blogging is a lot more difficult than readers think it is. Especially the larger an audience gets. There is a lot of dedication involved, and trying to not sound too fluffy in posts. It requires a good bit of time sometimes. Sometimes stories write themselves, but on slow times, it can be a grind. Or when life away from the keyboards get involved; fickle demanding users abandon ship there is no fresh content, etc. I’m quite impressed with your own resolve, Lauren. Especially how you kept Braves-relevant material going through the off-season.
The reason it works on SBN is that every team has its 1-2 primary bloggers whom really owns the place, but they each have their bevvy of users who also contribute content for others readers to peruse.
Bottom line is, if it were so easy, why are there so many abandoned project pet blogs out there? I’ve certainly let my own projects falter and fade out there.
No wonder nobody likes you, Tuttle... everything's a (Pujols) damn debate.
by royhobbs on Apr 24, 2009 9:24 AM EDT up reply actions 0 recs
Is a pet blog like a pet rock?
People will come Ray. The one constant through all the years, Ray, has been baseball. America has rolled by like an army of steamrollers. It has been erased like a blackboard, rebuilt and erased again. But baseball has marked the time. This field, this game: it's a part of our past, Ray. It reminds of us of all that once was good and it could be again.
by mvandonsel on Apr 24, 2009 12:56 PM EDT up reply actions 0 recs
If you think blogging is rough, try doing an internet radio show. I got 6 eps in before taking a 6 month break and doing one more and calling it quits.
SWAGGA LIKE...whoever the fuck is not walking people
President, CEO, and chairman of the Brandon Jones fan club
by bigjoe on Apr 24, 2009 1:00 PM EDT up reply actions 0 recs
I have some friends who to a podcast, and what they do is record 3 shows at a time, so they can relax, find crap to talk about three weeks later, and then record more. I’ve been on a couple of them, all it really is, is us shooting the shit and sharing stories. Doesn’t sound all that interesting, but they have a decent audience thusfar.
No wonder nobody likes you, Tuttle... everything's a (Pujols) damn debate.
by royhobbs on Apr 24, 2009 1:17 PM EDT up reply actions 0 recs
My first couple, I was all about the BIG TIME SUPER INTERVIEW, got a few of them done…then had no one to interview. So it went to a format of me and my cohost just talking about sports, fights, IWA-Mid South silliness, and yeah…the last one we did was just completely unfunny and boring, so I deleted it and stopped doing them altogether. Didn’t help that when people would give us feedback, they’d complain that we talked too much about things that interested us and just wanted us to rag on people…yeah, kinda hard to keep beating that dead horse
SWAGGA LIKE...whoever the fuck is not walking people
President, CEO, and chairman of the Brandon Jones fan club
by bigjoe on Apr 24, 2009 1:21 PM EDT up reply actions 0 recs
Must depend on your audience then. My friends are catering to introverted comic book nerds who could probably relate to 80% of the stories that we told.
No wonder nobody likes you, Tuttle... everything's a (Pujols) damn debate.
by royhobbs on Apr 24, 2009 1:27 PM EDT up reply actions 0 recs
Wrestling fans…while we’re talking about sports and fights and video games. Yeah, didn’t really work too well with people who are obsessed with flips and glass and submissions and that sort of nonsense
SWAGGA LIKE...whoever the fuck is not walking people
President, CEO, and chairman of the Brandon Jones fan club
by bigjoe on Apr 24, 2009 1:47 PM EDT up reply actions 0 recs
Thanks, royhobbs. :) Around game 130 of the season I get tired of blogging, and the gameday posts (full of pictures) are always a drag, but they’re fun to go back and read. And obviously, the off-season is always a welcome break.
by Lauren T. on Apr 24, 2009 6:57 PM EDT up reply actions 0 recs
I think it’s good for everyone to disconnect, and go live their lives sometimes.
What is this “life” thing you speak about?
People will come Ray. The one constant through all the years, Ray, has been baseball. America has rolled by like an army of steamrollers. It has been erased like a blackboard, rebuilt and erased again. But baseball has marked the time. This field, this game: it's a part of our past, Ray. It reminds of us of all that once was good and it could be again.
by mvandonsel on Apr 23, 2009 12:53 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs
Reply FAIL.
People will come Ray. The one constant through all the years, Ray, has been baseball. America has rolled by like an army of steamrollers. It has been erased like a blackboard, rebuilt and erased again. But baseball has marked the time. This field, this game: it's a part of our past, Ray. It reminds of us of all that once was good and it could be again.
by mvandonsel on Apr 23, 2009 12:53 PM EDT up reply actions 0 recs
loser
No wonder nobody likes you, Tuttle... everything's a (Pujols) damn debate.
by royhobbs on Apr 23, 2009 1:01 PM EDT up reply actions 0 recs
Methinks he got a little too excited about the block quote that he forgot to reply properly.
Braves 2009 offense: in play, out(s)
Braves 2009 bullpen: in play, run(s)
by Smoltz's Beard on Apr 23, 2009 1:03 PM EDT up reply actions 0 recs
They must not have computers in igloos to practice the internets on
No wonder nobody likes you, Tuttle... everything's a (Pujols) damn debate.
by royhobbs on Apr 23, 2009 1:11 PM EDT up reply actions 0 recs
ummmmmm…I’m not really sure I have a comeback for this.
People will come Ray. The one constant through all the years, Ray, has been baseball. America has rolled by like an army of steamrollers. It has been erased like a blackboard, rebuilt and erased again. But baseball has marked the time. This field, this game: it's a part of our past, Ray. It reminds of us of all that once was good and it could be again.
by mvandonsel on Apr 23, 2009 1:16 PM EDT up reply actions 0 recs
point for me, then
No wonder nobody likes you, Tuttle... everything's a (Pujols) damn debate.
by royhobbs on Apr 23, 2009 1:20 PM EDT up reply actions 0 recs
have you ever been inside of a real igloo??
People will come Ray. The one constant through all the years, Ray, has been baseball. America has rolled by like an army of steamrollers. It has been erased like a blackboard, rebuilt and erased again. But baseball has marked the time. This field, this game: it's a part of our past, Ray. It reminds of us of all that once was good and it could be again.
by mvandonsel on Apr 23, 2009 1:44 PM EDT up reply actions 0 recs
Some experts say that a well-constructed igloo, when combined with a very small oil lamp and plain old body heat, can warm an igloo up to 40 degrees above the outside temperature. Hypothetically, if it is -40° outside, the igloo has the potential to warm up to 0°. It accomplishes this amazing feat thanks to several features:
* The walls block the wind.
* Snow and ice work as insulators to trap body heat inside the igloo. Thus, the occupants of an igloo double as a furnace of sorts.
* Insulation capabilities actually increase a few days after construction. Body heat and sun exposure cause the inside of the igloo to melt ever so slightly. When the igloo is unoccupied during hunting expeditions, the melted snow freezes over, turning into ice. Several days of gradual thawing and refreezing turns the entire structure to solid ice, making it not only superstrong, but also warmer than ever.
People will come Ray. The one constant through all the years, Ray, has been baseball. America has rolled by like an army of steamrollers. It has been erased like a blackboard, rebuilt and erased again. But baseball has marked the time. This field, this game: it's a part of our past, Ray. It reminds of us of all that once was good and it could be again.
by mvandonsel on Apr 23, 2009 1:49 PM EDT up reply actions 0 recs
lol
So instead of freezing to death quickly, you can freeze to death not as quickly and probably watch your nads shrivel up into your lungs.
No wonder nobody likes you, Tuttle... everything's a (Pujols) damn debate.
by royhobbs on Apr 23, 2009 2:00 PM EDT up reply actions 0 recs
Perhaps. I have an extra igloo lying around, would you like to sit in it and monitor the status of you nads? Maybe you could blog about the experience.
People will come Ray. The one constant through all the years, Ray, has been baseball. America has rolled by like an army of steamrollers. It has been erased like a blackboard, rebuilt and erased again. But baseball has marked the time. This field, this game: it's a part of our past, Ray. It reminds of us of all that once was good and it could be again.
by mvandonsel on Apr 23, 2009 6:39 PM EDT up reply actions 0 recs
Youthinks correctly.
People will come Ray. The one constant through all the years, Ray, has been baseball. America has rolled by like an army of steamrollers. It has been erased like a blackboard, rebuilt and erased again. But baseball has marked the time. This field, this game: it's a part of our past, Ray. It reminds of us of all that once was good and it could be again.
by mvandonsel on Apr 23, 2009 1:15 PM EDT up reply actions 0 recs
Comments For This Post Are Closed
Secondary Sidebar
FanPosts
Community blog posts and discussion.
Certain photos copyright © 2009 by Associated Press or Getty Images. Any commercial use or distribution without the express written consent of Associated Press and Getty Images is strictly prohibited.
