Joey "Odysseus" Devine

I sat down to watch the game last night, and toward the end of her "Clubhouse Report" (we were laughing last night about the jaunty font they use for "Clubhouse," like the Braves' clubhouse is a tree fort that has a misspelled NO GIRLS ALLOWED!! sign tacked onto the door), OKT mentioned that Devy had been sent down. I was immediately furious, and then she revealed who came up to take his roster spot. I ranted for about thirty minutes. My dinner got cold. Good game, though.

~~

May 22, 2007

Devy walks into the Braves clubhouse with a brand new suitcase, grinning from ear to ear.

Heap: Heyyyy! Joey! How are you, man?
Devy: I'm great! After everything I went through in 2005, it feels good to have my confidence back.
Heap: Yeah, I'm really happy for you. You did well after your September call up last season -- and hey, aren't you leading the Southern League in saves?
Devy: Heh, yep!
Heap: That's awesome, Joey. I'll look forward to catching you.
Devy: Aww, thanks!

May 23, 2007

Devy: /sits nervously in the bullpen
Eddie: /sings Ave Maria
Devy: /scoots away

May 24, 2007

Devy: Well, another day in a major league bullpen! Maybe I'll get to pitch tonight.
Wicky: Hey.
Devy: Hi! My name is --
Wicky: You gonna eat that?
Devy: /looks down
Devy: Um . . . eat . . . what? My glove?
Wicky: Oh. I thought it was one of those jumbo soft pretzels for a second.

May 25, 2007

Devy: Man, it was so great to be here to see Smoltz get his 200th win.
Heap: Yeah, what an awesome game! C'mon, let's go drink some champagne with everyone.
Devy: Okay!
Bobby: Hold on a second there, son.
Devy: Me?
Bobby: Yeah, you. Here's your ticket home.
Devy: "Home"?
Bobby: Yeah, you know, the minors. Thanks for the - eh, whatever you did for the past three days.

Heap: Aw, Joey, that's too bad.
Devy: Well, it's okay. I figured they would send me back pretty soon -- I just thought I'd get a chance to pitch . . .
Heap: Yeah, me too. But you came up during a crazy series with the Mets -- next time you come up you'll get to pitch, and hopefully you'll be up here for good.
Devy: That would be great! Well, I guess I've got a bus to catch.
Heap: They're making you take a bus back to Mississippi?!
Devy: Yeah, I'm back on a minor leaguer's salary. It's okay! There's a bathroom on the bus and everything. Could be worse!
Heap: I guess so. See you soon, buddy.
Devy: Bye!

June 20, 2007

The Braves are losing to the Red Sox, 11-0 in the bottom of the 8th.

Bobby: Consarnit!! Who's going to pitch the 9th?
McDowell: You've used everyone but Joey Devine.
Bobby: What's Devine doing up here?!
McDowell: He just got called up today to replace McBride.
Bobby: Aw, hell. Get Francoeur out there.
McDowell: Um, he's still playing rightfield. And he hasn't pitched since high school.
Bobby: FINE. Put Mr. Grand Slam in. Not like this could get any worse.

Devy: /gives up two hits
Heap: /goes out to the mound
Heap: Hey, what's the matter?
Devy: Nothing . . . I think I'm just nervous. Bobby only trusts me to pitch games where we're losing by double digits.
Heap: Well, you'll have to earn his trust back, you knew that. C'mon, I know you can do it, just don't overthink.
Devy: Okay. Thanks, Heap.
Devy: /gets out of the inning without giving up a run

Heap: Hey, good job!
Devy: Thanks!
Bobby: Kid!
Devy: . . . Me?
Bobby: Yeah, you. We just got a new reliever from the Tigers. Here's your bus ticket home.
Heap: This is the second time we've sent him back this year -- can't we at least spring for a flight?
Bobby: Oh, I'm sorry, are you Brian McCann, starting catcher AND traveling secretary?
Heap: . . . No.
Bobby: That's what I thought. See ya later, Devine.

Heap: Geez, Joey, that stinks.
Devy: No, that's okay. I knew I wasn't up to stay . . . they need a lefty reliever.
Heap: Well, at least you got to pitch this time!
Devy: Yep! See you later, Heap.

July 5, 2007

Devy walks into the visitor's clubhouse in Los Angeles, a slightly scuffed suitcase in hand.

Heap: Hey, you're back!
Devy: Yep! Whose roster spot am I taking this time?
Heap: Pete Orr's. They optioned him to Richmond last night.
Devy: Is that . . . Bobby over there in the corner?
Heap: Yeah. He's been weeping since last night. He said this was "like the ending of The Yearling, only a hundred times worse."
Devy: What the hell does that mean?
Heap: Beats me, but Bobby really likes Orr.
Devy: Oh, great.
Heap: Nah, don't worry. He won't take it out on you.

Devy: /pitches two innings in nine games

July 18, 2007

Bobby: Kid!
Devy: Yeah?
Bobby: We're putting Davies in the pen. You're going home.
Devy: /holds out hand
Bobby: /slaps bus ticket into it

August 3, 2007

Devy wanders into the Braves clubhouse with a tattered suitcase. He sighs.

Heap: Joey! Hey, you must be up for the rest of the season, huh?
Devy: I guess.
Heap: Aw, don't worry. You've been doing so well in the minors, and our bullpen could use you.
Devy: Thanks, Heap. I don't mind about the short call ups so much . . . my head's kind of spinning, but I understand.
Heap: You've been a good sport.

That night, the team is losing 7-2 after the bottom of the 7th.

Bobby: Consarnit! Who's going to pitch the last two innings??
McDowell: You've used everyone but Devine and Cormier.
Bobby: . . .
Bobby: . . .
Bobby: . . .
Boddy: Goddammit. Gimme Devine.

Devy: /walks a batter
Devy: /gives up a hit
Heap: /calls time out, jogs out to the mound
Heap: What's wrong, Joey?
Devy: I don't know . . . I'm having a hard time getting my head in the game. I just got here this afternoon, and here I am, pitching at the end of another loss . . .
Heap: Joey, don't be like that! We need you to hold them.
Devy: You're right, I'm sorry.
Heap: Go get 'em!

Devy: /strikes out two, gets out of the inning without giving up a run
Bobby: /puts Cormier in for the 9th
Cormier: /gives up two more runs

August 6, 2007

Devy: Thanks for letting me crash at your place while I'm in town.
Heap: No problem! I've got plenty of space.
Devy: I just don't want to look for my own place, with the rollercoaster I've been on this season.
Heap: I know, but it's August, and you've been doing so well. I don't think you'll have to go back to Mississippi this season.
Devy: I hope not -- I'm really looking forward to going to New York with you guys tomorrow!
Heap: Yeah, it's an important road trip.

Devy's cell phone rings.

Devy: Who could that be -- oh. Shit.
Heap: . . . It's Bobby, isn't it?
Devy: Yeah.
Devy: /gets up
Devy: Drive me to the bus station?

August 24, 2007

Devy walks into the visitor's clubhouse in St. Louis, carrying a garbage bag full of shoes, shaking.

Heap: Joe-- whoa, are you okay?
Devy: Let's just get this over with.

August 26, 2007

The Braves are losing to the Cardinals, and Devy comes in to pitch the 8th.

Devy: /walks Pujols
Devy: /gives up a hit
Heap: /jogs out to the mound
Heap: Hey, are you alright?
Devy: No.
Heap: I know, I know, but listen -- the roster expansion is in just a few days! There's no way they'll send you back again. And here's your chance to prove that you deserve to be up here, right?
Devy: DO I deserve to be here?! I can't even tell anymore.
Heap: Yes! You know you do. To hell with all these roster moves. Just pitch like the old Joey Devine. The one I knew in the minors who was totally confident. First round draft pick Joey Devine! You're still him, despite all these struggles.
Devy: /wipes tear
Devy: Thanks, Heap.
Heap: No problem. Now shut these guys down!

Devy: /strikes out two, gets out of the inning without giving up a run

Heap: I knew you could do it!
Devy: Aww, shucks!
Heap: Man, I can't wait to get out of St. Louis! Hopefully we'll be able to turn it around in Miami.
Devy: Miami . . . sounds fun!
Heap: Have you ever been on a road trip down there?
Devy: I . . . can't remember. I've blocked most of 2005 out entirely, to be honest.
Heap: That's probably for the best.

Bobby: Kid!
Heap: Oh no.
Devy: . . . me?
Bobby: /holds out a bus ticket
Bobby: I'm sorry to do this to ya, but we need help on the bench. You'll be back in a few days.
Devy: COMING BACK IN A FEW DAYS IS NO LONGER A COMFORT.
Heap: Just stay calm, Devy. After the roster expansion, you'll be up for the rest of the year.
Devy: OH REALLY?? I DON'T BELIEVE ANYTHING ANY OF YOU SAY ANYMORE.
Devy: /shakes uncontrollably
Heap: Geez, Bobby, how can you do this to him?? Who are you bringing up to help on the bench? Brayan Pena?
Bobby: Who? No, I'm bringing up Peter Orr!

Devy: ARE YOU EFFING KIDDING ME
Devy: I HAVE A HIGHER BATTING AVERAGE THAN PETE ORR
Bobby: But you haven't even hit this year!
Devy: PRECISELY
Heap: Yeah, Bobby, doesn't Orr have a negative average? Because of that one time he leapt out of the on deck circle and fielded one of Chipper's infield hits?
Bobby: But he's a great teammate! And he's a hell of a Connect Four player, goddammit!

Devy: /faints

~~

Eric Campbell needs to hurry up and serve his suspension, start hitting and get up here. I could go for an "insubordinate act" right about now.

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