Poor Little Switch Hitter

Salty is just too good to be true. When they mentioned that he was miked, my husband and I looked at each other and grinned, but who could have anticipated the greatness of Salty awkwardly declaring that he doesn't have any friends?! I had noticed this in shots of the dugout and during batting practice, but I never thought he'd get miked for the explicit purpose of complaining about it on TV (when does Sports South ever mike players? That's TBS Xtra's territory). He was also singing a Tina Turner song as he walked through the dugout, but this can't be the reason the others are avoiding him, because Diaz sings horribly all the time, and we all know Frenchy's track record there.

Why don't the other players want to be friends with Salty? Katy Temple seems to get along with him, and the coaches spend plenty of time with him, but our normally friendly, dorky little Baby Braves are too good for him?? Hmm. Let me try to understand this in high school girl terms. You've got your pretty, popular girls who understand social nuances and come from pristine backgrounds (Frenchy). Then there are the hot girls who are gossiped about because they're a little bit edgier ... maybe they even date teachers. I guess this would be Salty -- ostracized because our Baby Braves are JEALOUS!


Salty arrives at the clubhouse before the game yesterday . . .

. . . at 9:00 in the morning.

Salty: Hey, man, how's it going?
Parking lot attendant: Uh, I'm okay. Who are you?
Salty: I'm SALTY, duh!!
Salty: /points to arm
Salty: /there is a tattoo that says SALTY on his arm*

Parking lot attendant: Oh, right. You're here so early, I thought maybe you were one of the grounds crew guys.
Salty: Naw, I was just bored in my hotel room and thought I'd come here early to practice my defense. My family is down in Florida, and, uh. I don't really know that many people here in Atlanta. Cause I'm new and stuff.
Parking lot attendant: Right. Well, the grounds crew is in there working on the field right now.
Salty: Do they need any help?
Parking lot attendant: Um . . .
Salty: Cause I brought a rake, just in case.

Later, Thor arrives for batting practice.

Salty: /runs over to him
Salty: Hey Thor, Thor, Thor!!
Thor: Oh, hi, Jarrod.
Salty: How are you, ehhh????
Thor: Um, I'm good.
Salty: Did you get how I said 'ehhh'? Because you're Canadian??
Thor: Right. Yeah.
Salty: Guess what I've been doing since ten AM?
Thor: I--
Salty: Practicing first base!!!
Thor: Oh.
Salty: Yeah, it's totally easy! Don't you think?? Because you also play first base? Which almost makes it seem like we should be friends? You know?
Thor: Um, yeah. I'm gonna go change.
Salty: I'll come with you! Hey, have you ever thought about the fact that we are both married and both of our wives had babies recently? Dude, we have so much in common!
Thor: Right, well, uh, that reminds me, I need to call my wife, so . . .
Salty: Oh, sure, um. Well, I'll see you later!

Salty walks over to Rent and Escobar . . .

Escobar: Qué equipo de fútbol te gusta más?
Rent: Hmmm . . .
Salty: Hey guys, what's up?
Rent: We were just talking about soccer teams.
Salty: Soccer! What a dumb sport, am I right??
Rent: /stares
Salty: I mean, who likes soccer? That's like something little suburban kids play!
Escobar: /stares
Salty: I can't even believe they cover it on ESPN! What a joke!
Rent: /walks off
Escobar: /goes with him
Salty: Guys?

Heap walks into the clubhouse . . .

Salty: Heyyy! How's it going, old man?
Salty: /slaps him on the back
Salty: How's that ankle feeling?? How about your finger, feeling okay?
Heap: I'm fine.
Salty: Cause I am totally here for you if you need me, brother! If you're not feeling 100%, heck, if you just want to take a day off to relax --
Heap: I said I'm fine! Please let go of me. I need to go talk to Huddy about the lineup.
Salty: Hey, I was thinking about the Red Sox lineup, too. You know what I think?
Heap: I don't--
Salty: If Big Papi is up? Don't throw him a strike! That's just my opinion.
Heap: Salty--
Salty: Cause I've heard he's a good hitter. So if you throw him a strike, you know. He could probably hit it. Maybe even for a home run.
Heap: Thanks for the newsflash.
Heap: /walks away

Frenchy: /walks in
Salty: Frenchy! Hey!
Frenchy: /holds a hand up over his eyes
Frenchy: I can't talk to you, I'm sorry!!
Salty: Wha-- why?
Frenchy: Nothing personal!
Frenchy: /runs away

Later, during the game . . .

Salty: I'm the only guy on the team without any friends.
Orr: /puts his hand over his mouth so he won't get picked up on the mike
Orr: /whispers
Orr: That is not true.
Orr: There is also Mike Hampton.
Orr: /gets up and goes to stand with Diaz
Salty: /looks around for Hampton
Salty: /sees someone of a short stature sitting at the end of the bench

Someone: /has placed a tarp over Hampton
Salty: /sighs


Meanwhile . . .

Andruw: /

Frenchy: /turns around slowly
Frenchy: /pulls a cell phone out of his pocket, dials

Operator: Atlanta Crisis Hotline.
Frenchy: /whispers
Frenchy: Hey . . . I'm worried about my friend . . . he's been going through a hard time lately, and he's acting kind of crazy . . . I don't know what to do!

Andruw: Whatcha doing, Frenchy?
Frenchy: /hangs up
Frenchy: N-nothing!
Andruw: Why aren't you wearing your glove on your head, man?
Andruw: I position the outfielders on this team, dammit, and I said gloves on heads! Willie is following my orders, what's the matter with you!?
Frenchy: /bursts into tears


* There really is a tattoo on his arm that just says SALTY. Everyone else probably realized this about a month ago, but for some reason I always thought the LTY visible below his sleeve were some kind of hieroglypic symbols. I mentioned this last night, and my husband pointed out that in fact it is just a tattoo that says SALTY. Which is stranger than random hieroglypics, in a way.

((Picture credit: WireImage))

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