Happy Birthday, Smoltzie

Thanks for all the nice comments on my first post yesterday, I really appreciate it!

Last night's game was pretty embarrassing -- thank goodness Heap at least broke up the no-hitter. More importantly, it's a huge relief that Smoltz only dislocated a pinky finger while tagging out Kearns. I wonder how this will effect his 40th birthday today? Hmmm . . .

Smoltz: %#@#&!!!
Woody: Alright, that's one out, guys! One out! One -- wha -- oh.

Later, at the hotel:

Heap: What are we going to get Smoltzie for his birthday now? We were going to take him golfing, but now he'll just have to sit and watch us! That's no fun! We'll have to think of another present . . .
Frenchy: I already got him something.
Heap: What? Let me see.
Frenchy: /Pulls out a framed and signed portrait of himself
Heap: That's what you got him last year!
Andruw: And in 2005, before you even met him.
Frenchy: I like to send these babies ahead to future acquaintances to prepare them.
Heap: Ugh, whatever. Look, we need to think of something really good to cheer Smoltz up.
Rent: But what can we get him that he doesn't already have? Or that he couldn't easily get himself?
Chipper: Yeah, it ain't like we can get him a new pinky finger. That wasn't too pretty when Gilly tried to get me a new foot for my birthday last year.
Wilson: Hey, fellas, whatcha doing?
Heap: Oh . . . hi, Wilson. We're just wondering what to get Smoltz for his 40th birthday.
Wilson: Hmm, I see. You know what we used to do on the Yankees? Everyone was so rich, real presents were pointless, so we would give each other old copies of our rookie cards, featuring embarrassing pictures! It was always a laugh.
Heap: Hey, that is a GREAT idea! That would really cheer him up! Let's see, I think I have a copy of my rookie card somewhere . . .

Heap: Ha ha, look how goofy I was! He's gonna love this!
Frenchy: This ain't gonna work with me -- I look suave as hell on my rookie card:

Heap: Whatever, look at your tongue! Ha ha, okay, who's next? Chipper?
Chipper: /grumbles incomprehensibly
Heap: C'mon, it's for Smoltz!
Chipper: Fine --

Heap: HOLY CRAP!! Ahahaha! Were you drafted when you were 13 years old?! That is excellent!
Chipper: /finishes his drink
Heap: Okay, next? Rent, how about you?
Rent: Here you go --

Heap: Ha, why is your hat ten sizes too big? Okay, that's another good one -- Andruw?
Andruw: Be careful, this is worth like five million dollars.

Heap: Oh my God, that mustache!! Look how skinny you were!
Andruw: My arm was severely lacking spiderweb. /draws one on
Heap: Uh, okay. Anyone else?
Frenchy: Check out this Wicky card I found --

Everyone: /laughs hysterically
Heap: Oh . . . MAN! That is too funny!! Smoltz is going to love this, Wilson -- thanks for the idea!
Wilson: Wait, don't you guys want to see my rookie card?
Heap: Uh, okay, sure! Add it to the pile!
Wilson: Here it is!

Everyone: /runs screaming from the room
Wilson: Huh. And I thought that was just the way A-Rod and Jeter react to everything.

((Thanks to Daniel for sending me the link to the rookie cards!))

Photo credit: AP Photo/Haraz N. Ghanbari

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